Wow, what strange sets of circumstances life gives us. Those of you who have been in contact with me know about some of the random bullshit I've been going through. Those who don't, well, let's keep in better contact shall we?
I've made a few breakthroughs in my thinking and great strides in my personal growth, I definitely have not figured everything out, but that's ok. I don't have unreasonable expectations about figuring everything out. I'll probably be on my death bed and still won't have figured it all out. I've just gotten to a point where I can accept that. Sort of...I'm still an over-analyst and I tend to hold on to things longer than I should. What I have realized is that I can finally close this chapter of my life, and begin a new one. I had thought that the chapter would have ended with Jess leaving, however, that wasn't the case. I still had to work through a lot of the same problems I was going through when we were together. I suppose I am still going through some of those same things.
But, regardless of the various weaknesses that should be worked on, I actually feel like a different person now. I'm still a cynic, but I'm also a chronic idealist and try to be optimistic about everything, or at least I would LIKE to be optimistic about everything. I'm trying really hard.
Life, I've realized, is bittersweet. There are good things and bad things and usually the bad things are mixed with good, and vice-versa. Take for example this "incident" I've been in. I stopped thinking about it in the negative and started to think of it as a positive wakeup call.
"Earth to Andy, fucking wake up, and stop taking everything so damn seriously all the time."
What I've waken up to is that there are still a number of issues I have to deal with, and that I haven't been dealing with them in a healthy or constructive way. There were a lot of people who helped me get to this point, and a lot of people who are still helping. I want to say thanks to everyone. I realize now just how much I am cared for. Your support and advice and remarkably non-judgmental listening skills mean the world to me. At a time when I felt like I was the scum of the earth the people that I love and who love me came together to give me support and remind me that I am valuable to them, and not in very a small way. I feel like superman (ok not really, but I feel pretty fucking good, and invincible in a way, just not the way that I did before).
I've realized that no matter what happens to me, good or bad, I have left a positive impact on the people I know and love. THAT, for me, is the most important thing. Not necessarily gaining inner peace, just knowing that my people love me, even the people I don't get along with very well love me, and I am constantly reminded of it, or at least I can fool myself into thinking that I am.
I know this is mostly random rambling. That's just how I roll. This is just a new chapter in my life, and, it seems, in a lot of people's lives. At least all the ones I know and/or have met recently.
Dad, I want to thank you for your love and care for me. I know you don't want to push me in this direction or that, but I understand why you do. It really means the world to me. One day I hope to gain your respect.
Mom, Thank you for loving me unconditionally, no matter what my faults. You have continued supporting me in all my various adventures. Of all people I would accept your judgment the most, and yet you withhold it. I love you.
Tim, you have grown far past your years, and are more mature than I in many ways. Thank you for your support, advice, and understanding. You are the best brother anyone could hope for.
Sam, thanks for bailing me out of the trouble I got into. I know you probably think I'm an idiot, but that's ok, because I was being pretty idiotic. You are also my best brother. Thanks for being there for me.
Jess, you were such a huge part of my life. I am sad that you aren't anymore. We went through so many things together. It took me this long to really get over the relationship and realize my own independence again. When we meet again just understand that our relationship has changed for the better. I won't be over you for a while yet, and I'm not sure that I want to be. But regardless, please understand that you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and even though a large portion of our time together was shitty, the entire experience has allowed me to grow in more ways than you can possibly imagine.
I love you
Justina, you were my catalyst. You helped me and listened to me when I thought no one else could or would. Meeting you helped me immensely with this "quarter life crisis" as you put it. Thank you for all the time and energy you shared, it really meant the world to me. Don't sweat the bullshit; I know now just how much bullshit life can dish out. You are a beautiful person, and your presence in this world fills everyone you meet with joy.
Lucky, you have been helpful to me. I'm sorry about my shortcomings and faults. I constantly think about what you are thinking about me, and whether or not I live up to your expectations. You are a good friend, and I'm glad we aren't fighting at the moment :P
Tan, I am sorry. I treated you very callously and without compassion. I know you are my friend, please just understand that I was going through a bit of a crisis and mental change. I'm still going through it to a large extent. But I am sorry for how I treated you. I am your friend, and I want to continue being your friend.
Namsu, sorry man, I won't be making it back very soon. I need to rethink a few things about what direction my music, and life, is going. I miss jamming and writing new stuff, just give me time, get your green card, and we'll meet up again and rock the world.
OK
